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Mark Wahlberg & Raven

12/08/17 – Daily Journal

I started seeing a therapist, Clare Johnson, to help me cope with all that’s happening to me cuz of the Lyme, and to help me use this time on disability to become a better, stronger person. Since Chronic Lyme can’t be cured, I have to expect that even after treatment it’ll rear its ugly head from time to time throughout my life, and when it does I want to have better tools in place to handle it instead of having it handle me. So I’m hoping Clare can help. I’ve been to two sessions so far, and I really like her a lot.

Her first assignment to me is to do a daily journal. I’m going with a digital diary instead of a handwritten journal because the Lyme is making my hands hurt so badly. Like I’m an old arthritic lady! So since I’m forced to do them digitally, I’ve decided that I’m going to make them public because I want to share my experiences with others in case it brings someone some comfort, or makes them feel like they’re not alone. It’s definitely making me feel very vulnerable to share a diary – especially because I know my mom will read these entries (hi mom!) and I’m sure some of them will be about her, but I’m 33 years old now – I can’t be worried about what Mom thinks forever can I?? 🙂

Ughhhh, I seriously can’t wait till all this Lyme stuff is over. I’m so so so so sick of it all. I’m tired of being at home, stuck in my “corner office” on the couch. It’s so frustrating though that the more I’m cooped up at home the more I like it and want to remain isolated from everyone. The anxiety and depression and pain and symptoms just get so bad at times I just want to be in my bubble and be left alone.

This social anxiety stuff is so exhausting, and I don’t understand it. Why am I so different from everyone else? Why is this such a crazy problem for me but not for the majority of the people around me? I’m really hopeful that working with Clare will help me and by next year I’ll be functioning like a normal human being.

Last night I had such an exciting dream. I had an incredibly romantic and fun day with Mark Wahlberg and he fell madly in love with me and then I recapped it all with Raven. 🙂

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I miss Raven, it’s been at least a year since we’ve talked, and nearly 5 years since I’ve seen her. She’s got like 2 or 3 kids now – so many of our friends have kids. That’s another way that I feel so different from other people, I still don’t want to be a mother. I just don’t have that feeling that I want kids. I love kids – I want to hang out with kids more, but I don’t want one of my own. I love just having Quasi. It seems so easy for everyone else – women just know they want kids. Why am I not like that?

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